One of the hardest things I’ve had to do in order to get better was to come to terms with the fact that not everything is my fault. While I haven’t completely relinquished responsibility for where I am at in life, I have embraced the fact that some people really have let me down in life. What’s odd is that though I’ve had anger about this, I’ve never really directed said anger at those who weren’t there for me. Instead that anger was turned internally at the fact that I consistently allowed those kinds of people to be a part of my life. A part of me realizes that this anger isn’t rational, and that I should direct my anger outwards, but at the same time a part of me is still that fourteen year old kid who thinks he’s the reason that his family was ripped apart. It’s the conversation between those two parts of myself that drive this next writing. It’s disjointed, contradictory, and a perfect representation of what’s going on inside my head.
Conversations with Myself
Sometimes I look up and think something is there, but most times I’m just high on all this fresh air. Cuz when I go back inside I feel that rush of despair, like I’m drowning in my head, but no one really cares.
And if I’m being honest my head is so full of lies. Like my dreams and drive will end up being my demise, cuz that happy little smile you see is a disguise, and what’s down underneath may come as a surprise.
I’m screwed up, I’m messed up, and I’m fucked up too. I’m partially responsible for the pain I’m going through. I’m losing my mind, my body, but at least I have you, that thing that materialized due to my own abuse.
Yes, I’ve been known to cause myself harm. To leave permanent marks on my legs, hands, and arms.
It’s funny how you all never notice the things you should see. Like the fact that this body only used to belong to me, but that kid that you knew got lost out at sea, and promptly drowned in his own misery.
It’s weird though it seems like you all just watched, or was it that the rescue attempt was botched?
Did you all have a line that you planned to throw?
When it came to the toss did you all forget to let go?
Was everyone afraid of getting pulled down by the undertow?
Or did we come to the consensus that I had already sunk too low?
Don’t worry everyone, I’ve got a friend in my head. A friend that tells me I’d be better off dead. One I should ignore, but validate instead, cuz in the end he’s responsible for the words that you’ve read.
I know he’s not real I think I’m just lonely, and for the way I perceive him I can blame me only.
Cuz I’m 19 years old, still playing pretend, all to convince myself that I do have a friend.