Why did you try?
Was it to escape the pain? Was it to put an end to the noise inside your head? Did you really want to die?
I tried because I decided life wasn’t worth it. I had finally broken free of the confines of my mind, ascended above my depression, and looked out to see a view that wasn’t worth the climb. Instead of waiting to slowly descended back into the darkness I decided to jump. I survived, and subsequently hit rock bottom, but to this day I’m not sure what I regret the most. At times, I wish I had never tried to end it all, but at others I’m just bitter I survived.
I’ve been thinking about life and death recently. This isn’t particularly new, but the nature of the thoughts have shifted. I’ve started wondering what happens after I’ve worked through all of this. What happens when I’ve finally conquered my depression and anxiety? What if I traverse the journey of a thousand steps only to decide that I’m tired of walking? To put it plainly, what if I get healthy, but still want to die?
Is that even possible? Is a person’s mental health contingent upon their desire to live? Is it wrong to think that there may be those who don’t believe that the joys of life are worth the momentous cost?
People say it’s your life to live, yet few would agree that it is your life to give away. I don’t believe suicide is the right decision for those suffering, I just wonder why we don’t talk about it like it is a decision people are considering. It’s not a good option, it’s never going to be the choice someone should make, but at the very least I wish we created an environment where people could be open and honest about what they were considering.
I don’t think I’m asking for much. I just want to wake up one day, and be able to confidently say I draw breath because I want to see what life has in store, and not because someone decided ending my life was wrong. In the end it’s my life so why do I feel like everyone else decided I was going to live it.?